Soundtrack: Playing the intro to the eSKay original song “Follow Me.” Fading in under that, the sounds of mad clicking away on an old-fashioned typewriter.
Haley: (Using “very earnest announcer” voice) Coming to you almost live from somewhere in Greece,
Haley: welcome to this very special and URGENT edition of the Stoned Kitchen Blogcast! Yiassas! Hello and thank you for joining us! In this episode, Stoned Kitchen presents our very first “Reaching out to…. yoU, yoU, yoU.” These urgently un-leashed, you-centered messages are especially for one particular person on the planet. Of course, all of you are more than welcome to listen in, too. And if the spirit so moves, you are welcome to help our UUU Message reach its target audience of one very important person:
Soundtrack: (softly strumming beneath Haley’s next words)
Haley: (still in announcer voice) Stoned Kitchen’s very first UUU is reaching out to perhaps the most Vippy of all VIPS ever born: The present unprecedented President of the United States of America!
Soundtrack: (Crescendos raucously into Hail to the Chief.)
Soundtrack: (unintelligible whispering to Haley) – but still playing, albeit not very enthusiastically.
Haley: (Whispers back, a little panicky): No, Soundtrack, I’m not sure about doing this – I’m also not sure if Dan is going to like it, either! (unintelligible whispering while music still plays)
Haley: Good point, Soundtrack! But still, somebody has to help him! (sotto voice…) I just hope this doesn’t get Stoned Kitchen into even more hot water…but here goes.
The word is -depending on whom you talk to- that the present unprecedented President of the United States – Donald J. Trump, Senior-is in deep sh….um. trouble.
Stoned Kitchen has received reports that there is a chance this triple whammy of the pandemic, the resulting economic collapse, and now the massive uprising against racism and for real, equal justice for our black brothers and sisters could cost President Trump his re-election! Imagine!
Soundtrack: (Playing and singing like a twangy lament to tune of Clapton’s Alberta, Alberta Corona, Corona, why’d you come along??? Corona, Corona, when you gonna be gone?)
Haley: But never fear, Stoned Kitchen is here! Or rather I am. The rest of the cast and crew – except for Soundtrack, who is kind of omnipresent anyway – do not know that I am doing this, yet…..
Haley: (distracted) Oh! And Miamou is here, too!
( Haley whispering – loudly)
I didn’t hear you come up the ladder. Yeah I know, and I’m worried about your ears. But shh, now. I have to call the president. He needs us! (Miamou meows.)
So here goes, no risk no fun, and well, as we always ask ourselves in Stoned Kitchen, “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” Um; especially when you are trying to “save” somebody – and the rest of the world to boot? Hmm.
Soundtrack: (combat sounds, some kind of death music/horror film, e.g the da da da da di da da di dum from Star Wars?)
Miamou: Um…Well, um, Haley, the list is long! CIA? Soldiers? Grabbing? Prison?
Haley: Hm. Not, death, I think, not for real, but yeah, maybe some death threats… and harassment, or trolling, a blast of pepper spray, teargas, or a little visit from law enforcement? Yikes! Not again! But surely not, and well, eSKay’s not on Twitter–yet. So at least we don’t have to worry about “Tweet Storm.” And well, it looks like the president could really use a lot of stroking and TLC right now, poor million, billionaire-dollar man!
Mr. President, Sir? This is Haley Zimmermann trying to reach you from Stoned Kitchen. Please know, that this U U U is from me, myself, and I – and it is all for you! You definitely deserve everyone’s undivided attention!
I apologize for intruding, especially as to my knowledge we’ve never met. Though it is true that once or twice in the early 1990s, I might have caught a glimpse of you and your lovely wife, Ivanka – oops! I mean Ivana! (Those foreign names are tough to keep straight!)
Or maybe it was Marla? It could not have been Mrs. Trump 3, though.
I’m pretty sure the present first lady, Mrs. Melania Trump, immigrated to the US just about the same time that I left it in 1996. It’s hard to keep track with dates and wives, and well it’s AGES ago that I lived and worked and played in New York City (sighs – and then inhales.)
Soundtrack: starts some New Yorky Musiki…
A pity I was already too old for you in my early 30s, and I’ll just admit it…a bit on the plump side. But not really what you’d call “fat.” Maybe. (inhales again)
Oh. Sir, back then, your Trump Tower was always on my top ten list of things of huge attractions to show friends who’d come to visit me in the Big Apple! I just adored watching the eyes of my friends from places like Alabama, Ohio, or even Europe light up when they saw your amazing waterfall, the tasteful, exotic plants, and all that was glittering like gold! Those were the days!
However, now, it occurs to me that a busy, and extremely important man like yourself might be a bit wary of hearing from a strange woman right out of the blue. But don’t worry, Sir, this isn’t THAT kind of reaching out, or barging in on your life!
Please rest assured, I’m not going to ask you for money, or threaten to sue you, or even worse, reveal “phony, fake” tapes, about Russia, or women, or pee…nuts, or enquire about quid pro blows, Bible photo-ops, or anything like that…
But how rude of me! I haven’t even inquired how you, the First Lady, and Youngest First Son are even doing! I do hope all of you – oh and those grown children of yours, too, of course, are OK! (Is there really room for all of you in the Bunker?)
And well, I have been a bit worried about you. Very. It’s really hard to put my finger on it. You just don’t quite seem like yourself. Mean people say you’re just missing your golf buddies, but Stoned Kitchen knows better than to believe that! Perhaps you will perk up though, in rally season. Such fun – and just the venue for spreading …news.
Rallies are effective, too – especially when the foxy ladies and gents are up there on stage with you amplifying your maga-nificent presence! Now, that Sir is a look that gives new meaning to being embedded with the President! Hats off!
Soundtrack: (adlibbing some “You Can Keep Your Hat On” a la Phil Collins.)
Haley: And let me just add, Sir, I think it was so wonderful of you to have given up those “inspire and rally the troops” events for a while. That selfless decision of yours was surely in the nation’s best interest and helped keep America safe from Corona! And it seems that now, rally-goers can give back and help protect YOU! All they have to do is just agree to that nifty “no-liability/no-can-sue-you clause,” Sir! Then you are off the hook just in case a rally-attender comes down with Corona! What a deal – and a brilliant bargain for all so hopelessly devoted to you!
It’s a pity, though, that SOME people aren’t treating you the way you deserve to be.
Just Nasty! The NERVE of all those reporters! But your new press secretary Kay-Lee is sure teaching those journalists a thing or two! Good hire, Sir! (Not that I didn’t admire Sean, Sarah, and…
Miamou: (whispers) Stephanie!
Haley: Stephanie – while they lasted.
And well, if you will allow me: I just want you to know that here’s another woman who greatly admires your stamina and performance- and under such ongoing, pounding, pressure, too… Oh my!
Sorry, sir, I got a little carried away…it’s just you’re sooooo good! And during such hard times, too!
Why, when I back on it, there you were barely past that appalling fake Impeachment Scandal at the turn of the New Year, and before you could turn around and say “MAGA,” you got that bad news from China.
Soundtrack: My my my my my my Corona!
It was so bigly sweet and gracious of you to make nice with President Zee at the beginning of the crisis! But you seem to have told him where to get off and go eat cake by himself now! (BTW would you mind sharing the winter White House chocolate cake recipe with Stoned Kitchen? It would be a lovely addition to our “Sweet Seductions” segment of Crisis Cooking – and we could pair it with our coffe-fee!)
Anyway, I was really impressed with how you kept your cool with Prez. Zee. I’m not sure I could have done that myself, what with China’s record on trade, human rights, and even using its military to attack peaceful protestors!
Soundtrack: (pick up truck driving up sounds, followed by faint sheep bahs, bells, etc.)
Haley: Ah excuse me for a second Mr. President…
Soundtrack: truck door slams, sheep sounds, (louder) etc.
Haley: I’m back. It’s just Stomatis pulling up to do his afternoon check on the sheep. I thought it might have been Dan,…Um, it’s not that Dan’s jealous or anything like that. It’s just well, he might not understand why Stoned Kitchen is reaching out directly to you with what could be the joint venture of a lifetime.
Mr. President, I’m telling you: Stoned Kitchen’s “Let’s Grow” plan could take your re-election campaign to new heights- and at the same time bring great benefit to the United States. And YOU would be the….
Soundtrack: Baah, baah, meeeh meehs increasing in volume. )
Haley: Oh shhhhh – eep! Mr. President? I’m so sorry, but I have to take off! Stamatis’ sheep are on the loose – again! And he’s getting on in years…Verdammt und zugenäht! The bloody sheep are making a beeline for our garden! Malakias! And these boots weren’t made for flying!
Soundtrack: “Follow me” begins again…and also some loud shouting in Greek.
Haley: I’m coming Stamati! ! Mr. President, Sir – I’ll have to get back to you with that Stoned Kitchen Joint Venture offer…
Soundtrack: (coming in with “Follow me” over the sheep)
Footnote: This very first Reaching Out to…episode was recorded live somewhere in Greece on the summer solstice 2020. I played myself, and our collaborative Soundtrack was performed by A. Yetoneus, P. P. Yetonea, Dan, and me. P:P: Yetonea graciously gave her voice to Miamou. I don’t have words to thank them all, but am certain I will try in a future post here, or between the pages of “the book.”