Click on the audio file below to hear the as yet unedited, live Blogcast recording of this episode. We’ll fine-tune it later! (maybe.) 45’s already busy with other things (like pulling out of WHO.) Help! We haven’t had time to check whether he’s masked up yet, or still masquerading as somebody with talent in pandemic control. Please help us “reach him” – and others with our message: Mask wearing isn’t just for sheep!
Soundtrack:( inhale/exhale, old typewriter sounds and intro to “Follow Me”)
Haley (as Hermes): Coming to you almost live from somewhere in Greece, welcome to this edition of Stoned Kitchen!
Soundtrack: (quick crescendo and fade down)
Haley: Yiassas! Hello! Thank you for joining us! In this episode, Stoned Kitchen is serving up another “You U U” message for…
Soundtrack: (a little impromptu ad-libbing)
Haley: In our urgent, unleashed, and you-centered message, Stoned Kitchen is reaching out once again and offering our help to one particular person on the planet. We leave it up to the fates, and you, our other listeners, to help our message reach its VIP target audience of one!
Miamou: (whispering) Meow! Do you think he got your last message, Haley? Meow!
Haley: I doubt it. We haven’t heard back from him, yet. Besides, my last message was waaay to long!
Miamou: Meow! Well, try to get to the point faster today, Haley! Presidents don’t have time to listen to long-winded texts. Meow.
Haley: You’re right. Your right. And the president just doesn’t have much time. He can’t even get through the intelligence reports about the problems with -Russia! …Besides, if you remember, Stomatis’ sheep interrupted me the last time I was trying to get my message to the president. But, they seem pretty calm today, though. Maybe it’s the heat.
Soundtrack: (Summertime, and the living is easy…adlibbing)
Haley: Dear, dear Mr. President, Sir? This is Haley Zimmermann trying to reach you again from Stoned Kitchen. Excuse me, sir, for trying to contact you. It’s just I’m still so very, very worried about your fate. The reason I’m reaching out to you is:
Stoned Kitchen’s been watching from afar, and it seems like you could really use a personal lift. And as for the nation you are so fearlessly leading, Stoned Kitchen thinks it’s about time the United States got collectively higher-and conquered Corona once and for all!
And Mr. President, Sir? Stoned Kitchen has a plan that’s going to blow you away – and take the wind out of the Democrats’ sails at the same time! Could life get better than that, sir? But first things first!
Soundtrack: (adlibbing something. Corona Song?)
Haley: Pardon me, Sir, for even bringing it up. It’s just: Mr. President, Stoned Kitchen thinks you might have been getting some bad advice on the Corona-war front. We urge you: Change course immediately on the mask front! Do it now, sir!!!! Please, we‘re begging you.
And haven’t your fabulous advisors shared with you what happened, for example, in Austria? Um no no no. I’m not talking about that Austrian named Hitler who hopped over to Germany way back in 1913. Austria has kind of wised-up a bit since then, Mr. President. Get this, their present-day, big-eared leader made mask-wearing MANDATORY, across the whole nation, and two weeks later it had just plummeted!
And with “it” I mean those nasty Covid-19 infection rates. They went down, down, down, down, down.
Haley: And that, Mr. President, is what you want!. Well, Stoned Kitchen is fairly certain that whatever Austrians can do, Americans can do better!
Haley: And so Stoned Kitchen is just asking you to do what Austria did here. (With masks I mean, not with producing more Hitlers. We don’t need that.)
OK Sir, listen, it’s perfectly acceptable for a president to change course, all good captains do that when the seas are rough, and the winds are dangerous and stormy!
So, I mean once upon a time, you were even a Democrat, and friends with Hillary and Bill. You’ve also changed your mind about a wife, or two (or was that your first and second ladies who wanted to break those sacred matrimonial bounds with you? I don’t understand those women, Sir.)
But, no matter. Stoned Kitchen’s OK with mutually agreed divorce…. Oh right! You also changed your mind with some money things, too, declaring bankruptcy. Sir, you are great at this!
And well, Stoned Kitchen has kind of been wondering if perhaps your vast experience in going bust is the reason you’ve been chosen to lead the USA! That skill set of yours could come in handy fairly soon – especially if those Covid-19 numbers keep rising-and the stock market wavering…
Soundtrack: Follow me, Follow me, I will lead you to the end, in the end…
Haley: Mr. President, we know it’s asking a lot of you And hitting reverse now though, is a good idea. It’s just an example for the troops of how they can help to win the war.
It’s clear, you don’t want to deprive us all of the sight of your gorgeous mouth and nose. Mr. President, there are some fabulous mask designs out there- you can even have your pretty face printed on them!
Hey, and well, Dan and I had a jolly good time making masks out of a couple of my old push-ups.Dan said they were the best smelling masks ever (and so practical with that underwire and padding!) Hm, maybe the first lady has a couple of bras she doesn’t need anymore – or one of your bigger lady fans?
And hey, Stoned Kitchen’s Pepper has a great post on our homepage with some patterns for you to make your own “battle the invisible enemy!” masks!
Miamou: (Meows skeptically) Um Haley? I don’t think the President of the United States has to settle for a home-made mask… Ha, mmm (Miamou is confused.)
Haley: Oh yeah. Miamou. I know it is hot, baby. though. He might consider wearing a bra under that golf shirt, though…Grrrrr! MM
Haley: Anyway, uh, that was just nasty of us Mr. President, and we’re sorry.
But have you thought about all the great things that your campaign could do with masks? You could just make a decree, tell everybody to wear a mask, and then you’ve got your Trump Masks out on the market!
Oh, Mr. President, I love this idea! You and the First Lady could sport see-through, plastic shields instead of masks – with the message:
“I Care! How about you?
Haley: emblazoned in shiny gold letters across your foreheads!
Soundtrack: (a zingy guitar sound)
Haley: Bad Soundtrack! Mr. President, I didn’t mean it like that. Really.
Anyway, whatever you write on your future mask, Mr. President, I’m just begging you: Please, please, give this idea a try! You have to take care of yourself, Sir. You’re the only president we have at the moment, and it would be dreadful, horrible, oh perish the thought if especially you caught Corona! And now that First Son Donald Trump Junior’s first-girl-friend lady has caught it, you, Mr. President cannot be too careful!
Soundtrack: (sheep bells begin in the background, and soft meh meh bah bahs, too.)
Dan (from a distance)Hey, hey Haley! Come quick –bring the camera!
Haley: Wait a minute, Mr. President. What is it Dan?
Soundtrack: (Sheep sounds getting louder)
Haley: Oh. Oh I’m so sorry, Mr. President. I have to go. I have to go. You’re not going to believe this (laughing hysterically) but one of Stomatis’ sheep is wearing a …mask!
Soundtrack: (laughing, sheep sounds)
Coming to you [almost] live from somewhere in Greece, Thanks again for joining us! And until next time…
All: Yiammas from Stoned Kitchen!
Soundtrack: Follow me, Follow me, I will lead you to a better place at all.…
Follow me, Follow me until the end, until the end, until the end.
Haley: (whispering) Here’s to leaders we can follow – safely.
Footnote (not yet recorded)
Haley: This episode of Stoned Kitchen was recorded almost live somewhere in Greece on 5 June 2020 – but not until quite a few “challenges” came up (like my printer running out of ink, so I couldn’t print out scripts for the cast.) Quick rewriting and lots of adlibbing later, we just “did it” – imperfectly (like always) and “Not exactly according to my plan” (like almost always.) Nevertheless
Hermes: Due to that “no scripts” provlema, Haley put “my” lines in with her own, and as always “played” herself. The delightful and talented P.P. Yetonea once again gave her lovely voice to Miamou, whilst her partner in life-the one in a jillion million, A. Yetoneus-once again rocked us by playing singing, and sometimes even composing Soundtrack, and amazing us all with his Sound Master skills.
He was joined in this episode by our multi-talented, gorgeous friend [Stoned Kitchen name “under construction”] and spontaneously gave voice to Dan at the end. (“Real Dan” was busy reparing a gas stove.) Three Graces joined in as well and kindly added to this episode’s soundtrack and “almost live” atmosphere as part of our international Greek chorus.
Haley: Thank you all!